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THUMBODY SPECIAL

They’re giving away gold medals to kids riding bicycles and skateboards, and even for driving cars around parking lots. Yes, the X-Games are back! At the end of each school year, my son’s elementary school has an awards ceremony. Parents show up in the cafeteria to watch their kids accept awards for various achievements. For two hours, the children file across the stage in endless lines, grabbing trophies as their names are rattled off. By the time it’s over, the kids are so overwhelmed with fake gold statues; they can barely cradle them in their little folded arms. Everybody is a multiple winner! I look around at the proud parents, pushing and shoving their way forward to take pictures of their kids being winners. Am I the only person in the room that sees a problem with this trophy-fest? We are attempting to social engineer a future generation of confident Read More

OPERATION CHA-CHING

While it cannot be said that war was made for TV, it sure looks great on it – At least the parts the Pentagon allows us to see. And it’s always on TV. So it got me to thinking about the enormous potential that exists for generating advertising revenue from our wars. I’m not talking about television commercials, but actually turning the various elements of the war machine into a revenue machine. These wars, (is it five now? I’m losing count) are driving us $750 million dollars a day further into debt. It is time for a serious dose of the type of inspiration and American ingenuity that took this empire to the top. At first, my plan may seem a bit shocking. What I’m proposing is unconventional, but as you will see, it is uniquely American. Time is of the essence and we have no other choice. So, let’s Read More

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DALLAS MAVERICKS.

Obviously, the Mavericks are much better than most everyone thought, especially on the defensive end. We all knew about their depth and shooting, but to quiet Lebron, and slow down both Wade and Bosh is a phenomenal job – they have earned my respect. It should have been obvious a few weeks back, when they easily dismissed the Lakers, that Dallas was a powerful and well-rounded team. Soon after, when they repeatedly came back from large deficits to finish off the Oklahoma City Thunder, we should have realized that Rick Carlyle’s boys had heart. I wrote three years ago that I thought Dirk Nowitzki would win MVP before an American soccer player would win MVP in a European League. He was heroic and clutch, performing a Jordan-esque finish to game four while dealing with a fever. And despite all that, we still thought the Heat would win the championship. Unfortunately Read More

SURFER’S PARADISE OBSERVATIONS OF A 2am CHANNEL SURFER

Within 20 years, there will be a television show featuring an Australian man running around in the wilderness, enthusiastically stalking large animals with the sole purpose of checking out their private parts. The show will be called Monster Cock Stalker Unchained, and will go a little something like this: Dressed in the mandatory safari shirt, hat and pants, a blond host will crawl up to a herd of large animals, then look back at the camera and say with an over-the-top Oz accent, “I’m gonna sneak up to one of the larger bulls and tryin’ get him aroused so we can take a looook!” Then, he’ll run at the animals, wrestle one to the ground and tell it, “Easy mate, not gonna hurt ya, ol’ boy – just wanna take a looook-see at your wanker.” America has a perpetual craving for Australian guys groping wild animals for entertainment. It started Read More

WTF bout the WTC

I have the worst headache of my life. Last night at 11pm, I walked around the lake to my fishing buddy Henry’s house. In my hand was a 5th of Maker’s Mark that I had set-aside during September of 2001 for this precise moment. I had assumed that it would not have taken ten years for me to drink it, but the moment of Osama Bin Laden’s death had finally arrived. Despite fully understanding that it was sipping whiskey, we were guzzling it and firing rifles into the air before I fell off his dock into the lake. USA! Coincidently, earlier that day I had been hanging out with Ken, the most Liberal of all my left wing friends. He was foaming at the mouth, telling me how appalled he was that his neighbor’s 13 year-old son wanted to join the military. “The child has obviously been brainwashed!” All I Read More

QUOTAS

Why isn’t there a law requiring athletic teams, both professional and amateur, to construct rosters that more accurately reflect the racial breakdown of America?  Shouldn’t there be punishment for these organizations for not giving Asian, White, Native American, and Hispanic kids more opportunities to make millions of dollars playing around with a ball?  Its not fair, and something must be done! For example, if the roster of an NBA franchise reflected the racial mix of this country, there would be 9 White, 3 Hispanic, and 2 Black players, along with a final roster spot to be given to a player of either Asian, Oceanic, or “Mixed” ethnicity, (Aren’t we all mixed?).  As it stands now, the current NBA roster percentages are 80% black, 19.9% white dudes with foreign accents, and Yao Ming. Both college and professional sports organizations seem to have no problem fielding teams that are acute in their Read More

WITCH-HUNT BY THE BAY

Witch-hunts are a good time, but they never get the real witch. We’re hearing quite frequently that the Barry Bonds steroid/pergury/obstruction of justice trial has a rascist element to it. However, when it comes to enduring racism, he’s no Hank Aaron. In today’s era of overplayed political correctness, and current environment of white guilt that has infested America, Bonds has actually been spared any sharp criticism by white sports writers, who are too afraid of bigot accusations to truly speak their minds. (Same thing can be said about Obama). Imagine for a second what would have happened if Hammerin’ Hank had been caught doping. Lynch mob anyone? In the arena of racism victims, Bonds is no Henry Aaron. I don’t think this is a racism issue, but I do believe this circus is a misguided witch-hunt, orchestrated by traditional elements of our society that fear for baseball’s future. We have Read More

CHARLIE SHEEN, COLONEL KURTZ, AND REALITY TV

Dont you just love Charlie Sheen? Its moments like these, in which celebrities lose their inhibitions and show us what delusional egomaniacs they truly are, that I think such self-absorbed wastes of times such as Twitter and Facebook are a Godsend. Of course, if Charlie were my kid, I would have driven over to Malibu and beaten some sense into him by now. But of course, I dont live in Hollywood, so maybe theres something Im missing and Charlies dad Martin is probably staying away for a good reason. Both these famous Sheens stared in two of the finest Vietnam movies ever made. In Platoon, Charlie played a morality fueled college kid who volunteered for the war, only to witness his buddies posing as Jesus as they got shot. Martin played a burnt out special forces soldier sent on a modern-day Iliad to kill an AWOL American colonel who had Read More

LEBRON, BENEDICT ARNOLD, AND THE AMERICAN COWARD

Whenever I meet someone from Cleveland, they erupt with hateful lectures about Lebron James when they find out that I live in Miami. It’s amazing how one basketball player can rip the soul out of a city, simply by changing job locations. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert called LBJ a Benedict Arnold. How classic is that? Is it safe to assume that since Arnold’s moment of betrayal came in 1779, people in Cleveland carry grudges for over 230 years? Will they still hate on their former hometown basketball player in the year 2241? Will Cleveland even be around in 230 years? It will burn to the ground, either by spontaneous combustion, or from a smoldering Keith Richards cigarette butt that was overlooked by the staff at the Rock-n-Roll hall of fame. I was going to write about the absurdity of people thinking that Lebron’s motivation for leaving was greed. Here’s a Read More

FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SWELL

I have an embarrassing confession Last night in bed with my wife, I was extremely fast on the draw. How fast? My wife said, think you just broke Rick Pitinos record. Ouch! She wasnt referring to any Big East road win streak, or sales of self-help books. It was Pitinos confession last year in court, during his extortion lawsuit against a woman whom he had been involved in an affair with, that the Louisville Cardinals head basketball coach testified under cross-examination that their sexual encounter lasted more than 15 seconds. Its difficult for me to write about this. I owe much gratitude to Rick Pitino for what he did for the Commonwealth. He took a job that nobody in their right mind would have taken, and brought the University of Kentuckys basketball program back from the brink of death. Im also not interested in giving lectures. However Read More