Bobby C

CHARLIE SHEEN, COLONEL KURTZ, AND REALITY TV

Dont you just love Charlie Sheen? Its moments like these, in which celebrities lose their inhibitions and show us what delusional egomaniacs they truly are, that I think such self-absorbed wastes of times such as Twitter and Facebook are a Godsend. Of course, if Charlie were my kid, I would have driven over to Malibu and beaten some sense into him by now. But of course, I dont live in Hollywood, so maybe theres something Im missing and Charlies dad Martin is probably staying away for a good reason. Both these famous Sheens stared in two of the finest Vietnam movies ever made. In Platoon, Charlie played a morality fueled college kid who volunteered for the war, only to witness his buddies posing as Jesus as they got shot. Martin played a burnt out special forces soldier sent on a modern-day Iliad to kill an AWOL American colonel who had Read More

LEBRON, BENEDICT ARNOLD, AND THE AMERICAN COWARD

Whenever I meet someone from Cleveland, they erupt with hateful lectures about Lebron James when they find out that I live in Miami. It’s amazing how one basketball player can rip the soul out of a city, simply by changing job locations. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert called LBJ a Benedict Arnold. How classic is that? Is it safe to assume that since Arnold’s moment of betrayal came in 1779, people in Cleveland carry grudges for over 230 years? Will they still hate on their former hometown basketball player in the year 2241? Will Cleveland even be around in 230 years? It will burn to the ground, either by spontaneous combustion, or from a smoldering Keith Richards cigarette butt that was overlooked by the staff at the Rock-n-Roll hall of fame. I was going to write about the absurdity of people thinking that Lebron’s motivation for leaving was greed. Here’s a Read More

FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SWELL

I have an embarrassing confession Last night in bed with my wife, I was extremely fast on the draw. How fast? My wife said, think you just broke Rick Pitinos record. Ouch! She wasnt referring to any Big East road win streak, or sales of self-help books. It was Pitinos confession last year in court, during his extortion lawsuit against a woman whom he had been involved in an affair with, that the Louisville Cardinals head basketball coach testified under cross-examination that their sexual encounter lasted more than 15 seconds. Its difficult for me to write about this. I owe much gratitude to Rick Pitino for what he did for the Commonwealth. He took a job that nobody in their right mind would have taken, and brought the University of Kentuckys basketball program back from the brink of death. Im also not interested in giving lectures. However Read More

A MEXICAN SUPER BOWL, SENIOR JOE MONTANA, AND RICO SUAVE

I was nowhere near a television Sunday night, and watched a Mexican upload of the Super Bowl on my I-pad in The Everglades.  Thank the Virgin Mary, that my wireless network reaches into the river of grass.  And thank her again, that the NFLs draconian blackout powers do not reach across the border into Mexico. It seems that what I was watching, was being uploaded from a video camera pointed at a television in a small cantina, because every time there was a big play, I could hear 10-15 people clapping with mild enthusiasm.  It was surreal to see the stadium crowd going crazy on the screen, while simultaneously hearing what sounded like a dozen drunk Mexicans, who not really having a dog in the fight, or even an understanding of the rules for that matter, simply applauded anytime they saw a guy hit the turf. The best parts of Read More

THINKING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL (and David Lee Roth)

I was hanging out across the lake with my friend Henry.  Hes a Steelers guy.  I know this because it says so on the metal Pittsburgh Steelers street sign that he nailed to the side of his shed.  I also know, because he keeps telling me every five minutes that hes a life-long fan. Henry has converted a small garage behind his house into any guys dream den with all the standard guy necessities: A beer stocked refrigerator, satellite TV, walls plastered with posters of girls holding power tools, shelves with rows of collectable beer cans, and lots of taxidermy.  It has a large barn door that opens, so that you can sit and watch the sun go down over the lake while the game is on.  The openness allows the South Florida breeze to heighten my buzz.  However, this place is also filled with lots of yellow and black Read More

Homeland Secretary

Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano has announced that the much maligned color-code threat level, formally called the Homeland Security Advisory System, will be replaced. The true reason that the color-coded terrorism threat level system has been kicked to the curb has nothing to do with the failed ambiance of safety that it was intended to blanket us with.  Nor the obvious fact that it was always too ambiguous to be digested by the population as a whole, not to mention the anxiety that all this must have created among Americas color blind citizens. It is because they failed to use Martha Stewart Colors.  Who wouldn’t want to wake up to “Atlantic Mist” and “Rubbed Sage” threat levels, or hunker down in the basement with a pillow over your head, contemplating a “Kandahar Cream” situation? I sure would!

1000 WORDS PICTURE

Obama looks terrified of Chinese president Hu.  I bet they frame this picture in Beijing, and give it a position of prominence in every Chinese textbook.  Wouldnt it make a nice Gong-bi painting?  As much as it sums up a bad situation, my current mental state, best described as blind euphoria, leads me to the following alternative interpretation of this moment in history Chinese President Hu has just called Barracks homer bluff, and asked him if hed care to ke things interesting by wagering a few billion on the Packers Bears game.  The Homer-in-Chief, Barrack Obama has been running his mouth all week, prognosticating that his hometown team will win by 3. Looks like B.O. doesnt want to put his (our) billions where his mouth is.  Or maybe he just cant come up with the cash. 🙁

AN IGNORER OF CANCER PATIENTS OR JUST IN A HURRY?

While not exactly on the same level as texting an image of your Packer package to a staff member, Aaron Rogers is now being labeled an ignorer of cancer patients. He walked right past a lady decked out in pink breast cancer apparel, who asked him for an autograph. You watch the video and decidelick Here [ad#Betonline Sports link]

PACKERS AT CHICAGO – THE BERENSTAIN BEARS

When will the NFL do something about the hideous Packer uniforms?  They look as if they were designed by a color-blind lumberjack with a severe concussion. And since Ive got you thinking about woodsmen, how long has it been since you read one of those Berenstain Bears children books?  Its a series featuring a family of Grizzly Bears: Papa, Mama, Brother, Sister and later in the series, when ratings began sagging and the two siblings ceased being cute, a new born baby girl bear came into the picture.  Papa Bear cut down trees to make furniture for the house, and wore a flannel shirt with overalls.  Judging from his outfits, and his corncob pipe routine, I could easily see him picking yellow and green for team colors. When my kids where younger, I spent many nights reading books to them.  Sometimes the books are really well thought out.  The Berenstain Read More

NFL PLAYOFFS

NFL PLAYOFFS There are moments in life, in which we sit back and say, cant believe that just happened and Im so lucky to have just experienced it. Last night, for example, I said something like that after seeing my wife dressed up in bed as the Esurance girl. Not bragging, mind you, just giving an example :/ This weekend, there are four possible moments in which we could collectively sit back and say that. It is for great moments like these that we watch sports, and I shop at Hustler Hollywood. NY Jets at New England Patriots Whats with the Jets taking shots at Brady? The Patriots smacked them around a couple weeks back, and now, with the daunting task of trying to defeat a team on the road that has enjoyed an additional week to get healthy, Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie and coach Rex Ryan are verbally Read More