The Cardinals are the best team in the NFL thanks to one man

We are all the next man up.

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

The Arizona Cardinals are the best team in the NFL and its all thanks to one man: The next man up.

Torn ACL? We’ll do a next man up.

Concussion? Time for another patented next man up.

Our third-string quarterback woudnt have 50% accuracy if he were trying to pin-the-tail on Jen Selter with his own groin? You guessed it- Next man up.

History is littered with the bones of people who didnt go next man up- if Robert E Lee had done next man up at Gettysburg wed all be speaking Virginian and every other word out of are mouths would be “Actually Dave Matthews use to work here” or “my Dad works for Booze Allen.”

In fact, the Cardinals seem to play better the worse there QB is. Thats how much of a offensive genius Bruce Arians is folks- while everyone was out there trying to figure how to to get your quarterback to be Elite, Arians knew that only the MOST elite players would know that they were actually the least Elite.

Theyve got Logan Thomas, who as 3rd string quarterback on the historically worst team in the NFC is the most successful person to have ever attended Virginia Tech. If he got on the field in Arizona hed hear the familiar jingle of keys from the stands alright, except this time it would just be all the fans getting up to head back to there cars, cuz that games over. Now that Arians has run out of viable solutions at quarterback he faces a decsion- Favre or Tebow. Youve got the the hand of God vs the hand of rod. Who gets the call? In my opinion if youve proven to play better with bad quarterbacks- Tebows a no brainer. But I’ll let coach make that call.

I call Bruce Arians “Moses” because hes leading a bunch of guys that had been lost in the dessert for 30 years and Cardinals are going to bore the Masses with telling stories about him after hes dead and gone.

Bruce Arians is probably the best coach in the history of the NFL- so why did it take him so long to find a head coaching position? Most likely his last name. The Rooney family is known for possibly being the biggest reverse-reverse-reverse racists in the world, and they knew that they couldnt pass the Rooney Rule out of one side of there mouths and hire a man named Arians out of the other. It would send a very confusing message- like when Jerry Jones says that he wants him some glory hole and then hires a coach who turns around and puts them right in the toilet.

Bruce coaches in his yellow transiton lenses and big red tarp that makes him look like Mariachi Andy Reid, who ironically wouldnt like salsa as much as the regular Andy. He wears a old school paperboy hat because he prefers delivering the news to reading it. Last night he tryed to hide a challenge flag he wasnt allowed to throw from a referee, leading some commentators to call him Susan Rice for the way he was attempting to conceal red flags from officials. But if your not cheating, your not trying.

Another big reason why the Cardinals are so good is due to their cornerbacks and safetys. When you think about it Tyrann Matthew and the University of Phoenix stadium are perfect for each other because there both synonymous with getting kicked out of college and fake grass. The only thing rising from the ashes about that stadium is Matthew doing a wake and bake on the 50 yard line folks.

But the ultimate example of this next man up philosophy is on there defensive line. They lost their defensive captain- Darnell Dockett- a man whose last name literally translates into “court date” and they didnt miss a beat thanks to a guy who is so Next Man Up and has such tremendous length I call him Cialis Campbell. You just cant make this stuff up folks.

So look for the Cardinals to defense their home turf all the way through out the playoffs and be the first team in league history to play a Superbowl in their own stadium and expect the MVP go to the next man up.

Also they probably are all using PEDs.

December 12, 2014 by : Posted in Uncategorized No Comments

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