MMBM Week 17: Grading Black Monday, no offense
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We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Welcome to Black Monday no offense. Im the Mel Kiper junior of the coaching carosel- the greatest time of year when fans gather round to join hand’s and cheer for people losing there jobs. So far 4 teams have fired there old coaches, not that you;ll see those numbers accounted for in the next phony jobs report the goverment tries to push on you. As a person whose been fired from every job Ive held Im in a unique position to evaluate the decisions. So far here are the firing grades:
49ers: D- Technicaly Jim Harbaugh and Jed York “mutualy parted ways” in much the same fashion that Abe Lincolns brain and skull did, not to be graphic or make a completley inappropriate comparison.
Jets: F Bad move for both sides IMO. Woody Johnsons name literally translates to “massive boner” and thats exactly what this move is. Plus every time Rex Ryan gets “released” he lands on his feet or at least his wife’s.
Bears: A++ Cant help but think this was some grand scheme for Jay Cutler to reunite with Mike Shanhan just so he can get him fired again.
Falcons: C I mean there the Falcons its not like its going to get a whole lot better, but it does make sense in the fact that Greg Schiano would probably except the job if offered. Art Blancs name literaly translates to “Clean Slate” and thats exactly what Schiano would have when determining which of his players to disenfrachise by leaking word of there drug use to the media.
Black Monday is just a wonderfull day for NFL fans. Look at these Bears fans who literaly camped outside there team facilities to (memo: just go back and insert verbs here once you figure out what the hell they were actualy doing)
Bears fans are camped outside Halas Hall. It’s 15 degrees outside. Why? pic.twitter.com/E0nm38VdbA
— Chris Emma (@CEmma670) December 29, 2014
This is great I mean what better way to show your support then skipping your job to go set up a tent and get hammerd while waiting for your head coach who looks like hed have better luck controling a marionette outside larc de triumph then controlling Marion Barber at Soldier field to finaly taste winters cruel sythe.
And like the Mel Kiper during the draft, while your still picking up the pieces, Im moving on to next year allready:I am offically reporting that per sources, Joe Philbin, Jay Gruden, Ken Wisenhunt, and oh I dont know lets just say who ever the Raiders hire will be let go at the end of next season. I had it first. Me. Please remember to site me as your source on any of these reports.
Now On to the awards!
Road Grader of the Week: Big Ben Roethlisberger
Big Ben battled through a nasty flu virus that kept him in the bathroom stall for more time then even I usually spend in the toilet on Sundays. I had some fun with it and said that technicaly Big Ben hanging out in the bathroom before the game was a probabtion violation. It was a gutsy performence by Rothlisberger despite the fact that most of his actual guts were literally flowing through Hines fields sewage system while he was giving it. We all know its imporetent to stop the runs during the playoffs and Ben buckled down at exactly the right time.
By the way if your doing the math right now the only two places that I have been on assignment (Pitt and Sea) have won there divisions not to brag, but Im basicaly like Jesus except wherever I go I spread the gospel of grit and save people from becomeing finesse football teams.
Fan of the Week: Hero Fan defending his rights against the PC Police
— Mike Wise (@MikeWiseguy) December 28, 2014
First of all what confirmaton do we have that this girls name was Justice? He could of been flipping of her little sister named Corruption, in which case wed be calling him a hero. You have to hear the whole story and get all the facts before you judge.
Second of all how come whenever NFL players figurativley give the finger to justice by wearing a TShirt or by doing a protest we applaud them but when this guy literaly does it hes a war criminal or something? It goes both ways.
Third of all Ive been watching alot of the Wire using my stolen HBO go password and Im thinking this Mike Wise fella is up to some Baltimore Sun tactics of making up a story here. For example: where did the quotes come from? No attributon. This guy might not even be that loyal of a fan and then the whole story falls apart. Also this picture implys that the fan is queston is racist but they didnt even take the time to ask him if maybe hes got “some indian blood” in his vains, or maybe if he has friends who are Native Redskins. Just sloppy journalism.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Joe Flacco made a passionate halftime speech: “Let’s go win a game!”
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) December 28, 2014
LOVE this. No wasted words. Tremendous contraction discipline. Flacco knows his audence unlike a Ryan Fitzpatrick QB. He needs to speak in one syllable sentences. I mean this is a team who only voted Bart Scott captain because they could remember his name.
When you think about it Joe enginerred this entire season for us fans. He played well enough to make the playoffs but just poorly enough so that the Ravens get to verse the Steelers in the first round, a annual matchup that just gets my blood flowing. Heres a preview of the game:
-Theres no love lost between these two teams
-They realy dont like each other
-Going to be some hard hitting foot ball when the Ravens and Steelers get together
-Smashmouth AFC North rivalry
-Make sure to buckle your chinstrap
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. The Seattle Seathawks gave Wagner a huge contract exstenson. You know who else loved Wagner? Thats right, Hitler.
2. The Browns lockeroom is a mess and Im not talking about MRSA im talking about lockerroom cancer. Josh Gordon and Justin Gilbert are being terrible influences by making John Manziel have a party and then probly kidnapping him to make him miss treatment.
3. Alex Smith apparentley ruptured his spleen last Sunday but then waited 4 days to tell any one he was hurt. Whyd he wait so long to report it? Does he just want the attenton? Maybe he wanted to rupture his spleen at the time but then change his mind after the fact. Maybe it was consensaul? I mean he didnt seem mad at his spleen when he was seen with it earlier in the week. Not blaming him, just saying lets not go pointing fingers yet.
4. Aaron Rogers gets my second “building 7 noncontact injury of the week” for his efforts on the play where he got a little boo boo and at the sametime threw a touch down pass. But on replay review on part I think he was faking it. He even waited to make a big entrance to let everyone see just how tough he was- it allmost seemed like his was trying to write his own autobiography as the next Willis Reed. Aaron Rodgers is as tough as a cut of veal folks which is ironic because a parently hes literally got tender little calves.
5. Steeler fans arent actualy chanting Heeeeeaaaaath thats just the sound 70000 unfiltered-charcoal cigarette smoking people in Pittsburg make when they collectvely exhale at any time
6. Even the Cowboys fans are intercepting RG3
Season summary: RGIII throws ball out of end zone to Cowboys fan at FedEx Field pic.twitter.com/kf55lzy6km
— Dan Steinberg (@dcsportsbog) December 28, 2014
7. Solid move IMO going to a game in full uniform when your wife has the stupid baby. Easy way to get out of parenting/ “Honey could you change the babys clothes, theres poop in them?” “I would but Im wearing a football uniform” just great planning:
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) December 28, 2014
8. Jim Haslet gave up the most yards of any defense of coordinator in the history of the NFL over a 5 year span, and is excepted to get a contract extension according to my math. Like another Defensive coordinator from Washington who famously underacheved for 5 years, Haslett is a known known, and you want to go with that every time over a known uknown, or even a unknown unknown. Its a business league and youd rather set yourself up for falure and hit your mark then shoot for greatness and miss.
9. Ndamukong Smh is at it again folks. Between him and Dominic Raiola I cant tell if Im watching a Lions game or a Alpha Phi Alpha performence.
10. Mike Florio is intriguied by the idea that the Steelers could sign Ray Rice at RB do to the Leveon Bell knee injury. You have to admit it would be a outstanding culture fit since the Steelers current RB is mostly known for hitting Mary Jane. Bell has a “hyperextenson” which honestly sounds more like the name of a 311 album or water pipe then a plausible excuse for missing a game.
11. You heard it reported here first folks- Kyle Orton is considering making a run for Congress to get those libtards in DC straightened out. Among his agendas- extra subsidys for growing corn as long as its used for moonshine. We could realy use a grinder like Or-ton whose last name literally translates into “a shitload of grit” in DC to straighten up the impending mess weve got with Mrs Clinton coming in 2016. I’ll say it to you this way- if he can make the Bills respectable imagine what he could do with the Hillarys.
This Week In Rovell: Rovell Literally turns into a narc
Darren apparently isnt prepared for bowl season folks.
No one ever showed me how to smoke drugs but Im pretty sure that filling a A&M helmet with purple Kush is how Kevin Sumlin gets most of his recruits so I cant say this suprises me. Kudos to Rovell for tweeting such questonable content into his feed but can you imagine hanging out with Darren if he was stoned? The sheer amount of useless infromation he would drop about how much Peyton Manning makes from endorsments when your just trying to order some Papa Johns would realy ruin the whole experence IMO.
Reader MailPail: Job seeking advice
@PFTCommenter I need a ruling: is it okay to add ’2014 Fantasy Football Champion’ to my resume? Shows leadership/management skills, right?
— Zachary Hale (@ZRHH) December 23, 2014
I would leave that off. I dont play fantasy football I play reality football where i go to a bar and get piss drunk and fight someone over who I think is a good player or not. Real consequences,, you dont get a trophy just for doing your job and breaking a beer tower over a guys head because hes cheering for Mike Wallace.
Plus if Im your employer I dont care about how many fantasy points you get I care about how many fantasy points you gave up. How was your defense? Were you able to psych out your opponet into making terrible waiver wire moves? In the busness world thats more importent to me then whether or not you tripped all over you balls to draft Antonio Brown just because some computer told you to.
Bonus MailPail: Yuckaneers Tanking from reader Kade
Sitting starters for “rest” right before they have all OFFseason off to play on there yachts is the worst thing Ive seen. But what else can we expect from this new SISSY leage much less from a head coach with LOVE right there in his first name. The only thing these players should love is the process, hard work, and preforming for the fans and hitting there opponent, HARD.
You shoudnt reward teams for being bad at football by giving them high draft picks. Thats like if the federal goverment got you a hot mail order bride every time someone got a divorce. Your just going to screw it up again and then shes allready going to have accrued 3 years of service towards her next contract and get amnestied to a better situation.
You know who literally relied to much on Tanking? Rommel. And instead of getting him Jameis Winston it got him another type of poison pill all together folks.