Christmas on other college football networks
Texas isn’t the only football program running special Christmas programming.
This Christmas, Longhorn Network is showing five commercial-free hours of Texas mascot Bevo roaming around a nearby ranch while “festive holiday music” plays in the background. It might sound weird, but watching cows walk around while listening to festive music is pretty much all there is to do in Texas during bowl season.
Of course, the Longhorn Network is hardly the only college sports network with airtime to fill on Christmas morning. In fact, ‘Bevo out walkin’ around’ isn’t even the weirdest thing on a football network that day. Here are some Christmas offerings from other networks.
Big Ten Network: Conference commissioner Jim Delany weighing gold bullion and converting it to standard United States currency with the help of an abacus and strong mental multiplication skills.
Big 12 Network: Bob Bowlsby infomercial, trying to convince viewers that they are watching the One True Channel.
SEC Network: Let’s Make a Deal with Mike Slive, where contestants could walk away with cash and merchandise! But watch out: Make a bad deal and you could end up going home with the SEC East championship!
ACC Network: A marathon of Jimbo and Dabo, a Dukes of Hazard-style country caper in which the coaches from Florida State and Clemson pull hilarious hijinks on stuffy basketball coaches like Jim Boeheim, Mike Krzyzewski and Jamie Dixon. Ain’t nobody gon’ catch ‘em!
Pac-12 Network: Five hours of Cal-Stanford stare downs:
Thank god they have security for the Stanford/Cal stare down. That’s a pretty tough looking group of kids. pic.twitter.com/UdQzqPRMFm
— Tom Brenner (@Tom_Brenner) November 23, 2014
USC Trojans Network: A replay of the 2005 Orange Bowl soundtracked by Barbara Streisand’s “The Way We Were.”
The Cornhusker Network: A Very Pelini Christmas, in which former head coach Bo Pelini spreads some expletive-filled holiday cheer. Merry f—in’ Christmas, you p—-ies!
Mississippi State Network: The Story of Christmas, in which the Virgin Mary and her husband Joseph are turned away from the inn and have to sleep in the manger. When they get to the manger, it’s all cows with cowbells going CLANGA for like six hours.
Iowa Hawkeyes Network: Punting. Five hours of punting.
Texas Tech Network: A Christmas Story, where Kliff Kingsbury asks for a Red Raider BB gun, encounters a scary Santa Claus (played by former Kansas coach Charlie Weis), and shoots his defensive coordinator’s eye out.
GatorNet: A Very Florida Christmas, a reality show in which Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley flies to an unsuspecting family’s home on Christmas Eve, promises the family a boatload of gifts while reporters stand in the lawn, and finally gives the family the promised gifts on January 7.
The Miami Channel: The U: The Golden Years, which is just three hours of Luther Campbell, Howard Schnellenberger and Bernie Kosar hitting each other in the forehead.
The Michigan Wolverines Academic and Athletic Excellence Network: The third quadrennial Jim Harbaugh Fund telethon
THE Ohio State Network: The third quadrennial Brady Hoke telethon (Hey, it worked last time!)
The Wisconsin Channel: Barry Alvarez goes to church on Christmas morning, questions the minister’s scripture selection because it wasn’t what was used in 1994, gives the sermon himself and takes all the money from the collection plate for his trouble.
Roll Tide Network: Nick Saban’s Christmas scowl.