Buying one thing each from all 39 bowl game sponsors
There are 38 bowl games, plus the national championship. Each is named after something that wants your money. Here is how to give it to them.
- These must be things that it is easy to find on the company’s website. I’m not going to a store or calling someone on the phone or mailing in a quote form.
- If the company doesn’t sell things on its website, I’ll adjust to that however I please.
- If the company doesn’t have anything interesting, that’s not my fault. Something’s still going on this list.
Those are the rules.
AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl: $14.99
You could join AdvoCare, a multi-level marketing thing. Or you could buy some vitamins or whatever. Or you could pay someone money in order to put a multi-level marketing company’s logo on your newborn child.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: See Rose Bowl
Autozone Liberty Bowl: $4.99 to $12.99
Compare products to be sure you make the right purchase for your family.
Belk Bowl: $7.49
Belk is a department store, so browsing its entire website would take all day. I went straight for the Clearance tab and found this OK shirt.
Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl: $332.42, maybe?
I tried to buy a couple dollars or whatever of Bitcoin a few months ago, just to see what all the fuss was about. I am not smart enough to figure out how to do that and refuse to believe that anyone else is. If you want to try buying a Bitcoin kit or what have you, this is how much it hypothetically costs as of publication, allegedly.
Birmingham Bowl: $5.50
Some of these games don’t have corporate sponsors, but are instead named after their cities. At city websites, you can still buy things, such as the elimination of a parking ticket. In Birmingham, paying a $0 parking ticket doesn’t cost much money.
Boca Raton Bowl: $435
Assuming you don’t live nearby, it’s gonna cost you big to use Boca Raton’s boat ramp all year. Are you sure you wanna go through with this?
Buffalo Wild Wings Cactus Bowl: $3 million
Starting a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise is like buying an NFL team in so many ways, including the respect it will gain you among your fellow billionaires. You have to both be able to afford to build the building and be able to be rich otherwise.
As with any expanding franchise system, we have thousands of people interested in buying a franchise. To measure a candidate’s qualifications, we have established the following requirements:
- Required liquid assets: Minimum of $750,000 per restaurant. Required net worth per restaurant of $1.5 million.
- The minimum Area Development requirement for new franchisee is two restaurants.
- Therefore the minimum unencumbered liquid assets required are $1,500,000 and net worth of $3,000,000.
- The Operator is an equity partner of at least 5%.
Capital One Orange Bowl: Endless mountains of blanketing debt
what are you doing
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: $1.10
This is the best bowl website. Just bought lunch from it. Also, you can buy tools.
Duck Commander Independence Bowl: $3.95
It’s a loofa with an old man’s face on it. You will use it to scrub your naked body. There are four other human face loofas to choose from.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: $45
Foster Farms Bowl: -$3
If you can find Foster Farms’ crunchy corn dogs, you are soon to reap savings.
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: $419,000
This is the very first house I saw via this website. It seems fine.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: $6
GoDaddy Bowl: $100
Goodyear Cotton Bowl: $564
Hyundai Sun Bowl: $28,255
Car with some stuff.
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: $71,000,024
Splitting the difference between the $142 million F-35B Lightning II fighter jet and the customizable bowl jersey, because I don’t know which you’d rather have.
Miami Beach Bowl: $60
The construction fee for a temporary roller coaster in Miami Beach, Florida is $60, maybe. Talk to your financial manager.
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman: $8.7 billion
It’s not really for sale, but I bet if you PayPal this company $8.7 billion, they’ll make you one too:
National Championship presented by AT&T: $10
National University Holiday Bowl: $1,708
Including the $160 for the golf lab, of course.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: $57.99
You can design your own beautiful hat.
Outback Bowl: Free!
Never spend money on Outback products. Just wait for either Auburn or Wisconsin to win.
— SB✯Nation CFB (@SBNationCFB) December 17, 2014
Popeyes Bahamas Bowl: $45,000
Popeyes’ online menu does not include pricing for food items. So this is how much it costs to start a Popeyes in the Bahamas.
Quick Lane Bowl: $39.95
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: $124.90
I fiddled with the Rate Quote calculator, trying to find out how much it would cost to ship tons of hazmat-grade materials from the Arctic Circle to Key West and so forth, but it didn’t work. So here’s how much it costs to have some sort of one-pound item freighted around your neighborhood:
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl: Free
You can call to see how much it is to advertise in locales such as Honolulu, Hawaii and Columbus, Georgia. I ain’t got time to call people.
Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual: Insurance money
It doesn’t let you throw a funeral that costs more than $1 million. Also, the Sugar Bowl’s sponsor uses the exact same insurance calculator, meaning both Playoff semifinals are brought to you by basically the same thing.
Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl: $8.18
I wanted to show you the snowmobile oil, but when you click to view the snowmobile oil, you get gun oil. That’s pretty interesting, too.
Russell Athletic Bowl: $15.99
Pretty much the only bowl game Twitter account you need to follow handles this purchase.
— RussellAthleticBowl (@RussellAthBowl) December 23, 2014
@RussellAthBowl will never let you down.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Free
I do not have time for this.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: $14,642.84
You, your spouse, and your two children are going to stay at the Sheraton resort in New Caledonia, an island near Australia that I had never heard of, for a month. I gave you a bunch of expensive packages too. You arrive January 13, the day after the national championship. It costs “XPF 1,430,499.96,” which is not even $15,000 American dollars.
Taxslayer Gator Bowl: It says “free”
TicketCity Cactus Bowl: $9, in more ways than one!!!
Valero Alamo Bowl: Prices may vary
You can bid on corn every day of your life.
VIZIO Fiesta Bowl: $2,999.99
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl: $6.99 (prices may vary)
Yes, SALAD ZALAD. This is your reminder that this salt-plagued chicken chain announced this bowl sponsorship by typing these words in real life: “To reinforce our brand as the Official Chicken of Sports Fanz and extend our reach as an emerging national concept, Zaxbys offers an Indescribably Good experience in our restaurants and on the field during the Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl.”