Breaking Madden Roster Cuts: The sex god who founded Chick-fil-A
Did you make it into this week’s episode of Breaking Madden? Goodness, I hope not. This week, we’re going to destroy the NFC South, and we have enlisted the help of a dozen Southern-inclined individuals to help us do it.
After a brief scare Monday night, the Falcons fell to the Packers as everyone expected them to. Despite this loss, which drops them to 5-8 on the season, they lead the 2014 NFC South, the worst division in the history of the NFL.
Combined, the Falcons, Saints, Panthers and Bucs are 8-36 — that’s a winning percentage of .182 — against the rest of the NFL this season. The 2010 NFC West, which sent a 7-9 team to the playoffs for the first time ever, achieved great infamy that these chuckleheads will probably eclipse. There is a very real possibility of a 6-10 team going to the postseason. And since playoffs are dumb, this team will probably go to the Super Bowl.
This is not all right. In this week’s Breaking Madden, our mission is to cast the NFC South into the fiery depths of Hell:
This experiment, in summary:
1. We create two God-awful quarterbacks — a starter and backup — for all four teams in the South.
2. We also create a God-awful kicker for each team.
3. We make the incumbent quarterbacks and kickers — Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Gordon Gano, et al — play running back.
4. We release all the original running backs into free agency.
And then we’ll run simulations and try to engineer the worst playoff team imaginable. Can we get a team into the playoffs at 6-10? 5-11? 4-12? Any just and righteous governing sports body would revoke the NFC South’s playoff berth in such a case, but this is the NFL.
To find those 12 athletes, as usual, I asked Twitter for help.
if you would like to be in the next Breaking Madden, please tell me about the most The South moment of your life
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) December 8, 2014
The South is a wonderful place that, like the NFC South, is often dumb and funny. These 12, I feel, truly understand the experience. Please welcome your new Falcons, Saints, Panthers and Bucs:
Falcons quarterback: Dan Morris
@jon_bois While hiking the Florida Trail I happened upon a house with three shootin’ cars outside. Their sole purpose was to be shot at.
— Dan Morris (@djsensei) December 8, 2014
Oh sure. In high school, a friend of mine had a shootin’ car out in the country. Once in a while, we’d drive out there with a bunch of guns and empty clips into it. Usually we shot pistols and hunting rifles, although one time, I got to shoot an automatic rifle.
As a hobby, I find guns to be tremendously boring. The first few minutes are really great: it’s loud as hell and stuff gets damaged, and guns themselves are pretty neat from aesthetic and technical perspectives. After five minutes, once all that wears off, I tend to wonder what I’m doing. I could, with practice, improve my marksmanship and whatnot, but I could also sit down with a pencil and get better at drawing a straight line.
There’s nothing in the way of real strategy. I’m not challenged to make any real decisions. I’m just standing there and pointing and pushing a button. It’s why I’m even less sympathetic toward the NRA than I would otherwise be: y’all are cool with all these accidental homicides so you can preserve your hobby? And it’s a shitty hobby? Y’all tried Angry Birds?
My means of keeping myself entertained with guns are very, very slight, and opening up on a beat-ass car is one of them. The sight and sound of shooting a car — specifically, a car — is strangely beautiful, like clawing at a handful of garden soil or ripping the plastic off a new TV screen. I think most of us who have ever shot at a car understand this.
Bucs quarterback: CBSSports.com’s Jerry Hinnen
@jon_bois My public HS held a mandatory 1-hr assembly in which a guest speaker told us evolution was BS and humans lived alongside dinosaurs
— Jerry Hinnen (@JerryHinnen) December 8, 2014
I don’t think we can really fault young-earth creationists for clawing at all the territory they can get. They’re loud, they argue, they fight battles, they develop systems of parlor-trick apologetics that can easily trip up the unprepared smarty-pants layman, and they intrude upon barriers defined by the Constitution and common sense.
They do this because this is not just about an origin story, it’s about our souls, and whether they live forever in Heaven or roast forever in Hell. Those ranks certainly include their share of obnoxious, vain, unfeeling non-thinkers, but there are also a lot of them who have you in mind as they claw and scratch to be heard. You! They are doing this for you. They love you, and they want to save your soul.
If you held what they held to be true, I sure hope you would be stomping on the Constitution for my sake, as well. It’s a shitty crumbled-ass piece of paper that belongs to a bunch of dead government nerds, and salvation is forever.
Bucs quarterback: Donald
@jon_bois my dad yelling “he’s got designs on us, boys!”when he, my cousin& I were attacked by a horny goat while trespassing on an emu farm
— Donald (@theHell_YouSay) December 8, 2014
Bucs kicker: Danny Roes
@jon_bois I flew into Alabama and in the airport there was a giant ad featuring, I swear to god, a fighter jet blowing up a dang hospital.
— Danny Roes (@dannyroes) December 8, 2014
Southerners participate in the sort of recreation that springs forth from our DNA. They don’t need to visit the hobby shop or sporting goods store. All they need is in the woods and in their bones and in the tent store selling firecrackers outside the Chevron.
They want to blow shit up, and they want to burn shit. It was illegal to sell fireworks in Georgia when I lived there, so every summer, families would make hours-long pilgrimages to Tennessee and come back with enough of a haul to blow the treads off a tank. A church leader of mine was planning on hosting a firecracker party, and when the firecrackers fell through, he announced the party would be called “burn stuff night.” Everyone was welcome to bring literally anything they wanted to burn. Old furniture, secular CDs, random pieces of chipboard, whatever. Unopened glass bottles of Sprite were really fun. Don’t go to the South.
Falcons kicker: brungl
@jon_bois watched truett cathy tell a room of kids “when you’re married you can have sex 24 hrs a day!” then spank a kid with “god’s ruler”
— brungl (@bezzl_brungm) December 8, 2014
This is easily the most South story of the week:
1. Old Southern guy named Truett
2. Old Southern guy’s last name is Cathy, a common name that you’ve never, ever seen as a last name
3. Old Southern guy named Truett Cathy is actually Samuel Truett Cathy, but his much more common first name is abbreviated
4. S. Truett Cathy owns a wildly successful fast-food establishment that refuses to open Sundays and enforces fundamentalist beliefs as a matter of policy
5. S. Truett Cathy tells children that marriage is great because it’s nonstop bonin’
6. After speaking, S. Truett Cathy finds it prudent to discipline a kid he presumably doesn’t know
7. S. Truett Cathy brandishes a “God’s Ruler.” Google has no idea what a “God’s Ruler” is, which suggests it’s a thing that S. Truett Cathy made up right there on the spot
Falcons quarterback: Polygon’s Justin McElroy
@jon_bois Christian comedian and Gaither Vocal Band member Mark Lowry once stole my Atlanta Falcons hat during a concert
— Justin McElroy (@JustinMcElroy) December 8, 2014
This one is a close second, though. This is at least Justin’s second time in Breaking Madden — actually, it might be his third — but his stories are just too on-the-money to turn down. He was born to be here.
Here’s Mark Lowry, everyone. ENJOY
Panthers quarterback: [DELETED]
GUH. For like the 20th time, someone deleted a tweet before I could get around to it. It was something about grandmas crashing a wrestling match and hitting the wrestlers with wheelchairs, which immediately made me think of this:
This is a short film shot and produced in Hartford, Kentucky, by my friend Daniel. All of it’s great, but the lady. Do not sleep on this old lady. If you have to, skip to 4:30, right at the brother’s despicable heel turn. This lady’s more furious than you’ve ever been in your life.
I HATE YOU YOU SORRY SONOFABUCK
Panthers kicker: some asshole
@jon_bois reenacted Stonewall Jackson’s death using ketchup as blood. Homeschool civil-war themed theatre troupe, Georgia, third grade.
— Kevin Bois (@whoucallinturky) December 8, 2014
We each did a Civil War-themed monologue in front of everyone’s parents. This one was received favorably, but the loudest applause was reserved for our friend, who wore blackface and performed this outrageously racist and offensive impression of a slave. Here is a lot more about that, if you’re interested.
Panthers quarterback: namestolen
@jon_bois Went to school in rural VA. Once I got assigned a partner to build a display for an Egypt project. He brought in a cat skull.
— Campbell Bird (@namestolen) December 8, 2014
My Cub Scout pack went to South Carolina one time to provide the least productive non-assistance that a disaster area has ever seen. A tornado had recently blown through the area, and we were ostensibly there to help clean up the debris, and then our pack leader announced, “whoever finds the coolest thing in the wreckage wins free Braves tickets!”
This was an area in which peoples’ livelihoods had been completely destroyed — people may have even lost their lives, I don’t remember — and all of a sudden it was a funhouse for a couple dozen craven 11-year-olds to run around and have a scavenger hunt. My dad turned to my brother and I, and said, “No, we’re not doing that, we’re here to help clean up.”
I was mad at him for the rest of the day, and I really resented him when the pack leader’s son won the contest. He found a dog’s skull. That was a living thing, a dog that had probably belonged to a family, and he held it over his head, immensely proud. He got to go to a Braves game, and all children should be jailed.
Saints quarterback: Sagrus
@jon_bois tended to my dad’s broken leg after he got shitfaced and did donuts on an ATV until he rolled it
— The Sagrus (@Ambisagrus) December 8, 2014
A fun thing to do when you’re 16 and before you have your full driver’s license is to go out to the country, borrow a friend’s beat up old ATV with barely-functioning brakes, and throttle it as quickly as you can. I did this for about 15 minutes without consequence and was pretty much having the time of my life, and then I was surprised by a sharp right turn that sloped off on the left side.
I sort of froze up, which is a good thing, because if I’d jerked right, I probably would have rolled it. I tried the brakes, which didn’t really do anything, and then I decided to just keep forward, jump off the four-wheeler, and ghost-ride it into a tree. I was fine aside from a few scrapes, but my friend told me he was never letting me drive one of his vehicles again.
A couple months later, he let me ride his dirt bike. I had never rode a dirt bike before. I climbed on, revved it, lost control of it, jumped off, and ghost-rode it into a tree.
Saints kicker: Nowell
— Chris Nowell (@zerosktr151) December 8, 2014
Uh, it’s tobyMac. He is a 50-year-old Christian rapper who would prefer you to stylize it tobyMac.
Saints quarterback: Jonathan Myer
@jon_bois I saw a couple at speed street (nascar block party in Charlotte) leave their baby with shirtless, cape clad man. He was wasted.
— Jonathan Myer (@jonmyerspeaks) December 8, 2014
NEVER FEAR NASCAR MAN IS HERE
[NASCAR Man bends over to spit tobacco juice, vomits profusely instead]
THANK YOU NASCAR MAN
[NASCAR Man raises child into a riding lawnmower he drives to work]
THANKS NASCAR MAN
The lower-fi the motorsports in the South, the better. The only ones I ever attended religiously were the figure-eight school bus races at Kentucky Speedway. If you’re unfamiliar with such a thing, you might initially take a stab at what it is, then give up because you think, no, it couldn’t be that.
No, no, you were right. A dozen or so old school buses race around a too-small track that is shaped like a figure eight. When they reach the intersection in the middle, they can make the reasonable choice to stop and give way to the buses that are barreling through the intersection.
Or, preferably, they stomp on the gas and play chicken with County Bus 4889. School buses are huge, so near-misses were rare. They’d just T-bone the Hell out of each other, and for the rest of the race, the other drivers would swerve around the sideways bus like it was a dead cow. Buses would keep driving with their engines on fire, and mufflers and other random parts would knock loose and eventually fall off the back. It was gorgeous.
I lived in various parts of the South — Georgia, Kentucky and Virginia — from the age of 9 until about a week ago, when I moved to Brooklyn. I love it here, and and it’s full of magical things I certainly missed by not growing up here instead. But a school bus plowed into the broad side of another school bus while pushed 45, and shit flew everywhere and caught on fire. My heart aches for those who have never seen it.
Check back Thursday for the full episode of Breaking Madden. And for more many more episodes of Breaking Madden, click here.