A bored high school student explains Michigan’s coaching search

The following thoughts on Michigan football were written by the most unmotivated and unqualified person available. They have not been edited whatsoever.

Michigan Football Coaching Search 2014 is in full swing, and nobody knows who the next Michigan coach will be. There are many factors in who coaches the old maze and blue in 2015! It is anybody’s ballgame! You have to compare and contrast all the factors before you really see what is what.

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Michigan coverage for grownups

Michigan Football 2014 is in dire straights. That is for sure. Bradey Hoke just got fired for losing too many games and giving his guys concussions then telling them to play anyway. You ca’nt do that in College Football 2014 and not pay the ultamate price! Bradey Hoke was so bad at coaching football that Michigan fired his boss too.

There was so much moral dickay that it literally boggles the mind. Look at the picture at the top. Bradey Hoke let a player have the “sex number” on his jersey, but my cousin Kyle said his basketball coach wouldnt let them have 69 and to grow up. Kyle’s coach would of probably definitely kicked the #69 guy right off the team! Instead there is Hoke giving that guy a pat on the back. You can’t let kids watch Michigan Football 2015 until that guy is off the program compleatly. Zero Tolerence For 69 Sex is a good slogan.

Dave Branden is a guy who was so good at pizza they let him be the athletics director. Then they said to stop and he did. I guess thats just “how the cookie pizza crumples.” There are many factors in how are you directing these athletics and it sounds like all of Branden’s directions led straight to the toilet factory.

Michigan Football 2014 needs a “Michigan Man” which my mom says is racist against women. Yeah but “Michigan Woman” is racist against men so this is maybe the biggest conandram the college sports world has ever seen. Can Michigan even hire a coach without restling with this fact? Some say no! Others say yes! This is the most important contrast.

Bradey Hoke and Dave Branden are Michigan Mans but they do not count because they are sucky. Bo Slamcracker played at Ohio State Football but he reenvented himself as a Michigan Man and he was good. So I guess this goes to show, you can never trust anyone from one day to the next. It is a friend or foe situation and nobody is safe!

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The most important Michigan Coaching Candidate 2014 is Jim Harbogh, who is the currant coach of the San Francisco 49′ers. They are called this because dispite the rules they only have 49 players on their team! This is a physcologicle physch-out like you would not beleive. They won lots of Super Bowl’s with this tactic and everyone agrees it is the best in NFL sports. But if Jim Harmbow goes to Michigan he has to choose if he should abandon the San Francisco principals and go against everything he coach’s for, or use all the Michigan Football 2015 players he can get. That’s so much to compare and contrast! My head would literally explode.

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Many believe Hardblaugh would rather coach in the NFL because it is the ultimate level of football. There is no dinying that. Michigan has to look at itself in a huge mirror and say “we are collage and that screws everything up!” Will University of Michigan make the leap to the NFL in order to get their coach man? It’s a possability. But then Michigan Wolverines looses its amature status compleately, and now guess what, there’s nowhere to go if things fail. This is so much drama.

Some say the NFL is The National Football League (NFL) is a professional American football league that constitutes one of the four major professional sports leagues in North America. It is composed of 32 teams divided equally between the National Football Conference (NFC) and the American Football Conference (AFC). The highest professional level of the sport in the world,[4] the NFL runs a 17-week regular season from the week after Labor Day to the week after Christmas, with each team playing sixteen games and having one bye week each season. Out of the league’s 32 teams, six (four division winners and two wild-card teams) from each conference compete in the NFL playoffs, a single-elimination tournament culminating in the Super Bowl, played between the champions of the NFC and AFC. The champions of the Super Bowl are awarded the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Various other awards exist to recognize indivi and I agree with all of those sentaments.

If Michigan can’t hire Harbomb, the Wolverines have a pretty huge Plan B up they’re sleeve… Les Miles! Michigan will or will not hire Les Miles. He is a good coach but he should not go away from LSU. The LSU fans infectionately call there school Les-iana State University with him there so that is a good sign for the “Fighting Tigers.” Can you say the same for Michigan, no. Les Miles is famous for literally eating the field during games which is the biggest physch-out of them all! Can you even imagine this scenearino!

Football Referee: Okay you guys, it’s overtimes, and the coin says heads. What’s it gonna be!
Coach 1: We want the ball!
Coach Les Miles: (grass flying everywhere out of his mouth) NO WE WANT THE BALL!
Coach 1: Aaaahhhhh!!! We forfit! We forfit! I’m scared!
Football Referee: I award this game and the SEC Football Championship 2014 to LSU!!!!!!

Les Miles Grass PhotoShop

Unfortunedly for Michigan, “The Big House Stadium” has astro-turf and the first time Les Miles would try to eat that, he would spit it out and say bleck! He would quit his job for sure and then you are back on Square One. That factor is literally key here. I know what your thinking, it’s time to put grass in there you dumbies, but news flash—Michigan’s harsh tundra climate means no grass survives there. What a desaster in the making! There are just so many factors that the average College Football 2014 fan has never considered.

Maybe definately the most entriguing candidate for Michigan Coaching Search 2014 is Rich-Rodriguez of Arizona Football 2014. Few know he has already been a Michigan Football Coach! He got fired for losing a super amount and then he ran off to Arizona Football 2014 and led them to the Promise Land almost.

If Rodriquez goes back to Michigan he will be comin home, tell the world he’s comin home. That is what Lerbon James did with Cleveland Caveliers 2014 and now he is a national hero. Rich-Rodriguez can’t dunk like “Lerbon Jamz” which is what ESPN likes to call him because of his really good jam dunks. He is probably a better football coach… gosh… ya’ think? My uncle still hates Lerbon because Air Michael Jordan was so good, and Lerbon could use a little lesson in class and being a “good guy” on AND off the court like “M-Jordan.” This will or will not be an issue with “R-Rod,” nobody knows yet.

RichRod Google

Google is worthless but this is another “maybe” that the experts will have to considder.

There is literally tons of bad blood lost between these two sides so some think it’s impossible for Michigan to re-hire Rich “Rod.” But sometimes the most important thing a grown-up can do is say “I’m sorry.” Michigan should tell R-Rod its sorry for firing him for a human dumpster, and Rodriguez should appologize for saving all his wins for all the other schools he coach’s at. You can’t tank for the No. #1 pick in College Football 2014! Hehehe. Rich Rodiguez does or doesn’t know that.

If Michigan can’t find a College Football 2015 Head Coach, it might probably cancell the season. That would make Big 10 commissionner Jim Delaney so angry his head would literally spin around and fly into the air and erupt lava everywhere. It is magma when it is in Delaney’s head but once it erupts it is called lava. I learned that in our volcano lesson in science class. Volcanos are amazing forces of nature and you can never trust them… like a Michigan Man!!! That is the biggest lesson. If you can compare and contrast that like a true pro, you will know who the next coach is.

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December 17, 2014 by : Posted in Uncategorized No Comments

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