WTF bout the WTC
I have the worst headache of my life. Last night at 11pm, I walked around the lake to my fishing buddy Henry’s house. In my hand was a 5th of Maker’s Mark that I had set-aside during September of 2001 for this precise moment. I had assumed that it would not have taken ten years for me to drink it, but the moment of Osama Bin Laden’s death had finally arrived. Despite fully understanding that it was sipping whiskey, we were guzzling it and firing rifles into the air before I fell off his dock into the lake. USA!
Coincidently, earlier that day I had been hanging out with Ken, the most Liberal of all my left wing friends. He was foaming at the mouth, telling me how appalled he was that his neighbor’s 13 year-old son wanted to join the military. “The child has obviously been brainwashed!” All I kept thinking, as I watched the spit fly from his lips, was how lucky America was that it still has citizens who love the country enough to fight for it. At one point, Ken said, “I wanted to puke – the kid even said he wanted to serve his country! Do you know that’s a line from a video game?”
Ken is convinced that the military is inserting subliminal messages into video games like Call of Duty and using them as a recruiting tool. I think that’s a brilliant idea. How else are they going to accomplish it? When’s the last time anyone saw a parade of tanks and missile launchers rolling down Main Street? That’s how they hype the military in other countries, but not in America, where we prefer our military to remain unseen except for Super-Bowl flyovers.
The video game paranoia is part of Ken’s broad ranging string of conspiracy theories that connects dots as far flung as reptilian rich people, subterranean civilizations, secret CIA bases on Mars, and a bevy of 9-11 inside-job theories. Of course, Obama has now fueled the 9-11 conspiracy fires even further by making the announcement of Osama’s assassination at midnight on a Sunday, when most Americans were asleep. Its almost like he tried to slip it by while we slumbered. Why not wait until noon the next day, so that every American (except Ken) could simultaneously erupt with joy?
And for those of you awake at midnight, did you witness the CNN broadcast showing several hundred people at the gates of White House cheering and holding up signs within minutes of the historic news being leaked? That’s impressive – No one lives that close to the National Mall. How could they all arrive so quickly?
Imagine yourself living in the suburbs of DC when you hear the news and decide that hell or high water, you have to get over to the White House ASAP and celebrate. How many minutes would it take for you to find the giant American flag you’ve got stored away in a box along with old VHS tapes? How many more minutes to grab a piece of blank poster board, a marker, and make a clever sign that says “Ding Dong – Osama’s Dead”? Then you’ve got to change your clothes, get in the car, drive into the city, and find a parking spot. Ever try to find parking near the White House? I’m guessing it would take 90 minutes minimum, even on a Sunday night and you’ve got your shit together enough to locate a marker under the couch.
At one point, shortly after the official announcement, there was a split screen on CNN showing the White House perimeter on the left and Time’s Square on the right. The scene in New York, home of the famous “New York Second”, paled in comparison to the party going on outside Barack’s abode. I would think that New Yorkers, considering the wounds they suffered ten years ago, would have taken to the streets in that famous second, yet a small crowd was just beginning to gather as the party raged on in the Capital. And it didn’t appear that any of those New Yorkers milling around had signs and flags. WTF near the WTC. Come on NYC – Its bad enough that the Knicks got swept like chumps. Go big or go home!
Despite my raging headache, I’m happy today for so many reasons: I’m thankful that there are still plenty of people who love this place even more than I do, and they are willing to fly in a helicopter over enemy territory, repel out of the night sky, dodge bullets, and provide for us a sense of closure. We really needed this. I am happy to know that the little kids that allegedly become brainwashed by video games, grow up to be brave soldiers, keeping Ken safe so that he can continue to smoke weed, be irresponsible, and hyperventilate as he describes them as Nazis. And I’m happy Henry had a big net to fish me out of the lake.