CHARLIE SHEEN, COLONEL KURTZ, AND REALITY TV
Dont you just love Charlie Sheen? Its moments like these, in which celebrities lose their inhibitions and show us what delusional egomaniacs they truly are, that I think such self-absorbed wastes of times such as Twitter and Facebook are a Godsend. Of course, if Charlie were my kid, I would have driven over to Malibu and beaten some sense into him by now. But of course, I dont live in Hollywood, so maybe theres something Im missing and Charlies dad Martin is probably staying away for a good reason.
Both these famous Sheens stared in two of the finest Vietnam movies ever made. In Platoon, Charlie played a morality fueled college kid who volunteered for the war, only to witness his buddies posing as Jesus as they got shot. Martin played a burnt out special forces soldier sent on a modern-day Iliad to kill an AWOL American colonel who had lost his mind in Apocalypse Now. His target Colonel Kurtz, played by Marlon Brando, had fled to Cambodia in order to start a bizarre ham radio show from deep inside the jungle Not unlike the younger Sheen has been doing via social media the past several weeks from the jungle of Malibu.
See if you can determine which of these wacky bits of insanity, masquerading as philosophy, belong to the fictional Colonel Kurtz, and which have recently foamed from the mouth of Charlie Sheen/p>
1. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas
2. I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips
3. There’s nothing that I detest more than the stench of lies.
4. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig… cow after cow
5. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body
6. I was shot with a diamond… a diamond bullet right through my forehead
Ive got a fantastic concept for the ultimate reality TV show: Martin Sheen stars in a reprisal of his Apocalypse character, but this time he sails a yacht down the coast of California through Big Sur to Malibu. His mission: Assassinate his wayward son Charlie. Joining him on this mission will be Justin Bieber as the naÃ¯ve surfer dude, Nicolas Cage as Chef (Cage will take any roll he needs the money), Snoop Dog as the weed smoking cat manning the twin 50cal, and the dude who played the bartender on the Love Boat as the Yachts Captain.
Along the way, they encounter crazy hoards of California Liberals throwing eco-friendly spears at them for smoking on the boat, then witness a liquor fueled orgy at the Playboy Mansion, before landing on Johnny Carsons beach so that Dad can brutally dispatch his kid while we are simultaneously shown images of a bloated Michel Moore, starring as the metaphorical sacrificial cow, being cut in half by a machete. I know its a bit over the top, but you would watch it over American Idol, wouldnt you?
ANSWERS: 1-sheen. 2-sheen. 3- kurtz. 4-kurtz. 5-sheen. 6. kurtz